Greetings, my rosey-cheeked electronic fruit whores! I’m back.

    So where has this Fake Rockstar been? I can’t say specifically, but I can divulge that it involved a tavern of locals, two pigs, a Ford F-250 with deluxe towing package and smelling salts. Let your imagination run wild, you ruby red legions of ‘different’.

    ANYWAY, why am I back? For the money, mostly… And the fame, although my Macgasm blogging fanbase has been strangely quiet as of late. Can’t a brother get an unsolicited goose from an adoring public once in a while? I’m also back because I have Mac-related conversation to throw around this party… Namely, I bought an iMac.

    As a nostalgic throwback to my first days as a Mac owner, I picked up the latest version of my very first Apple product. I’m nearly 40, so everything I do is based on broken dreams and memories of “simpler times”… I listen to a lot of Duran Duran and Journey, okay? The early iMacs were pretty, campy and full of yuppie nerdiness, complete with the insanely awesome Jeff Goldblum voicing the colorfully choreographed early “Gap-ish” commercials. My first was a lease (back when they offered such a thing) of the “strawberry” unit. Twas a thing of beauty with its OS9, dial-up, Internet and jazzy topside handle for portability. Weighing just under a metric ton, these babies could be set up on any coffee shop table, school desk and piano top around the world.

    I truly miss it.

    But times change and with Apple, if you blink, you missed it. Apple cube, anyone? So, yeah… I needed a desktop for all the very important, high-paid cartooning and comedy writing, so I carted myself (and my wife’s wallet) to the mall (ugh) and into the Apple store.

    We arrived, fell in love with the 20 inch model and after a brief scuffle with an idiot-box hand held check out machine, we were out the door. This iMac was liftable – Mostly because the box had a handle – but also because it’s ligh- weight. So the getting, carting and setup was a snap, per usual with an Apple product. Within minutes I was transferring files, color comics and surfing for porn… BLAH BLAH BLAH.

    The real greatness of this machine? The beauty in this orgasmic macgasm of titanium and black? Baseball. That’s right, baseball. My wife and I are rabid fans. She’s an A’s fan and I’m a… Fuck it. Look, I’m a Yankees fan, okay? And I live in New England. Do any of you Steve Jobs bootlickers know what that’s like? The torment of the NESN network? 2004 ring and effin’ BELLS?!

    Easy, Fake Rockstar. Count to ten…

    ANYWAY, I can’t get Yankees games on the TV and my laptop just isn’t the greatest viewing vessel. But the iMac – with its flat screen looks and its loads of memory – is perfect for watching Jeter turn a double. Plus, it’s nearly portable, so the wife and I can simply unplug and plop onto the BOBopedic and watch all the out of market baseball that we can stomach… And we can stomach a lot.

    I love my Yankees and I love my iMac. From the strawberry candyland dial-up of 8 years ago to the big boy sleek Star Trek bedroom entertainment of today.

    Can I say Star Trek and bedroom entertainment together, without breaking some nerd commandment?

    Oh well, I did. Shoot me with phaser on stun, punks.

    To the Whiskydeck! And the the Hot-chicksdeck! Followed by the Sleep-til-noondeck!


    [photo by: soyburger]

    Corey is a syndicated cartoonist, comedy writer and fabled alter-ego of the Fake Rockstar. He's also a regular contributor to the humor site Drink at and Mad Magazine. Corey likes whiskey, dogs and pie. His guitar is a Fender… Full Bio